It's clear now, and I'm releived. I thought this would last a little longer, but it proves how strong I have grown from past breakdowns.
I took long enough to realise that I had spent a lot of time thriving in suffering. Mourning, crawling in eeire gloom, for 5 whole years. And emotionally, past events act by some sort of gravitational pull. Maybe old feelings are not shared anymore, but memories, bricks that have been made back then and take part in your whole system today seem to keep stories engraved in them. Stories that when read or reminded, hurt, regretfully.
This doesn't mean you're living a painful life. Not at all. It means you have grown, and that you are so sorry to your own self, for how much you have suffered, in vane. You try to refute every single feeling you shared for someone, you are so ashamed of your futile, unrequited past love. You are so hurt you have spent so much time, somehow, distorted prismatically lettting yourself down, that memories are too painfull.
And then you start digging in. You start revising and reviving every past ghost that took too long to vanquish, you go through the same thing once again, from a new point of view, a more mature one, but still new.
But the mistake this time was being confused, ever thinking something that happened once could happen twice. This is impossible, because I have learned.
Every kind of intent of breaking in and triggering the old me is futile. Because I'm no longer frail.
It isn't about the love I now share with someone who wants the anything but the best for me. It isn't about having the most loving and understanding family. It isn't about having the most faithful and loyal friends at your side. I am strengthened by that, deeply strengthened and held by all that, but it's mostly about me. This inner struggle has reached its end. I know who I am, I bear the ultimate sense of identity.
I am ready now, to face this year properly.
I took long enough to realise that I had spent a lot of time thriving in suffering. Mourning, crawling in eeire gloom, for 5 whole years. And emotionally, past events act by some sort of gravitational pull. Maybe old feelings are not shared anymore, but memories, bricks that have been made back then and take part in your whole system today seem to keep stories engraved in them. Stories that when read or reminded, hurt, regretfully.
This doesn't mean you're living a painful life. Not at all. It means you have grown, and that you are so sorry to your own self, for how much you have suffered, in vane. You try to refute every single feeling you shared for someone, you are so ashamed of your futile, unrequited past love. You are so hurt you have spent so much time, somehow, distorted prismatically lettting yourself down, that memories are too painfull.
And then you start digging in. You start revising and reviving every past ghost that took too long to vanquish, you go through the same thing once again, from a new point of view, a more mature one, but still new.
But the mistake this time was being confused, ever thinking something that happened once could happen twice. This is impossible, because I have learned.
Every kind of intent of breaking in and triggering the old me is futile. Because I'm no longer frail.
It isn't about the love I now share with someone who wants the anything but the best for me. It isn't about having the most loving and understanding family. It isn't about having the most faithful and loyal friends at your side. I am strengthened by that, deeply strengthened and held by all that, but it's mostly about me. This inner struggle has reached its end. I know who I am, I bear the ultimate sense of identity.
I am ready now, to face this year properly.
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